Monday, March 13, 2017

My Boys Age 6 and 3

My boys are so fun right now! Liam is just the sweetest big brother, and Noah makes us laugh on a daily basis. I'm so excited to report that Noah is fully potty trained! Yes! Now we will only have one in diapers. Coming soon...

Liam makes me remember the simple joys in life. He recently learned how to snap (loud) and it has seriously made him so proud. He was so excited, and his enthusiasm just about melted my heart. It truly is the little things. Apparently, they have a song in class that they sing everyday, and snap in the middle of. He feels so special that he can now participate in this, and looks forward to it everyday. He is obsessed with basketball. He just saved enough money for a basketball, and is now working towards a "real" basketball hoop. Right now, he still has the little tikes one, but wants a big one. He has been doing chores like crazy to try and save for one. We are so proud of him. He loves being outside, shooting hoops. He would be out there sun up to sun down if let him.

Noah is just our ball of laughter. He has the best sense of humor, and the things he says makes us laugh out loud. Right now he is going through a phase where he likes to make cat noises instead of talking. He will frequently "meow" or make a "quack" noise when asked a question. He definitely enjoys being the baby. I don't mind, and I still have no intention of taking away "blankie" anytime soon. We recently started swim lessons again, and he is doing great. It is at 6:15pm at night, so it is so nice to just have time together. We swim together a little bit after swim lessons, then shower and put our jammies on at the gym. He thinks that is pretty awesome. He is the life of the party with his "evil laugh". It's hilarious. Imagine the laugh of an evil villain coming out of a three year old. He has perfected it, and it is so funny!

Their friendship and bond has really grown this last year. They now play with each other the majority of the day. Favorite activities include jumping on the bed, basketball, racing, and "doing work" outside. We recently moved them into the same room with two full beds, and they are loving jumping back and forth. They rarely fight, which is mostly due to Liam's even temper. He pretty much let's Noah get away with, and do anything he wants.

I feel so blessed to call them mine. What a gift!

Thursday, July 21, 2016

We Lost Her

We Lost Her

On New Years Eve 2015 I was shocked to find out we were pregnant. This was not a planned pregnancy, or something we wanted at this time in our lives, but I was over the moon. Matt-not so much. He eventually started talking about the baby around 11 weeks, and I was starting to feel more positive. I was scared, but trusted the Lord that this was His plan for our family. 

The boys (especially Liam) were ecstatic about welcoming a new baby into our home. Every night Liam would tell me how excited he was, put his hands on my belly, and remind me that my belly is going to get "SO BIG"! He would put his hands out in front of him, and want me to tell him just how big this baby would grow before she came out. Liam was convinced it was a girl, but we didn't know for sure. I was convinced it was another boy, despite that I had never been this sick with the boys. 

I craved sushi, banana's, and LOVED coffee. I limited myself to one small cup a day, but could easily have drank the whole pot. I was exhausted everyday, and Noah began to realize that mom's routine was getting home from work, changing into pj's, and laying on the couch watching movies until bedtime. No, it wasn't my finest parenting moments, but I don't regret any of it. I loved the time with him, just snuggling. 

We saw her at 10 weeks, healthy heartbeat, and floating around. At that moment, I completely fell in love. Once you see that baby, everything becomes real. The pregnancy was progressing normal (or so I thought). I started to feel much better at 12 weeks, and was so thankful. It seemed "normal" to start feeling better around this time. I was so busy with everything, that I didn't worry much about her, although I feel guilty about that now. 

It was March 11th and I was 15 weeks, 2 days pregnant. I took Liam to my check-up so he could hear her heartbeat. He still remembers going with me to listen to Noah's. He was very excited. The next moments were a blur. I remember the doctor asking me about feeling her "kick", my heart dropped because I hadn't even thought about this. What kind of mother doesn't notice her baby isn't kicking? OMG-my baby hasn't moved, and I'm 15 weeks pregnant. He laid me down, with my eager, sweet 5 year old standing next to me, with a huge smile on his face, holding my hand. Matt was not with me, and I was so mad at that moment. The doctor searched for a few minutes, and I just laid there in shock. I tried to stay strong for Liam, and brace him for what was going to happen next. While the Doctor went to get the ultrasound machine, I calmly told Liam that the baby was not alive anymore. That the Lord needed the baby in heaven, and was no longer in my belly. I told him that these things happen sometimes, and it's ok. It's ok to be sad, but that we will see her again. He was very confused, and got really nervous. The doctor confirmed my worst nightmare. She was gone. We lost her. She was physically there, a little bigger than thelast time we saw her, but she wasn't moving. I will never forget the stillness. Just a few weeks prior, we when saw her, there was a bright flickering light in the middle of her chest beating with life. This time she was still, there was nothing...

I couldn't break, I couldn't cry. My other baby was with me. He needed me. He needed me to stay strong, and calm. And that's what I did. I sat up, didn't shed a tear, and we walked out holding hands. Liam who usually asks 100 questions about everything was unusually silent. I still carry guilt about exposing him to that scene. I told Matt to come right away and pick up Liam so I could have a moment, and talk with the doctor about the next steps. Matt was in shock too. Sadly, my first thought was "You got what you wanted". It breaks my heart that that was my first thought when I lost the baby, and it was something that we had to work through together. It wasn't easy.

According to measurements she stopped growing at 12 weeks 4 days. I ended up having her in the Emergency Room four days later, 2 hours before my scheduled D&C. It was a horrific scene. One that will be embedded in my heart forever. I am glad that Matt and I both got to see her, but it was a very traumatic experience filled with so many emotions. I will never get the image of her out of my head. I still see her everyday. She was perfectly formed, all ten toes and fingers. She had her hands clasped in a prayer position. She looked perfect, and I wasn't expecting that at all. They ended up taking me back for emergency surgery because I could not pass the placenta, and they couldn't stop the bleeding. The pain was excruciating.

We did all the testing they offered. They autopsied her, and sent my placenta to the lab to check for any abnormalities.  We opted not to find out the gender, as I felt it was safer for my heart. Weeks passed as we processed this loss, and I drug myself through the trenches of grief (which is a whole other blog post). We finally got the call we had been waiting for. I will never forget it. I was in the Wal-mart shopping for work. I rushed to the Subway and sat down at a booth with a notepad and pen. I wanted to make sure I wrote down everything, so I could let Matt know. The conversation was much shorter than I had hoped. The doctor said "I'm sorry, we don't know what happened, the test came back, healthy female".  My heart dropped, surely he hadn't just told me the gender? I repeated "female"? My voice quivering. The doctor then gave some schpeel about how these things happen and we don't always know why. After we hung up, I literally had to run to my car to avoid bursting into tears in public. I sobbed. I sobbed so hard for that little girl that I didn't even know I wanted. In my car, big ugly cries. I screamed. I called Matt sobbing "It was a girl, a perfectly healthy little girl" "What did I do"? In that moment and for months afterward I completely blamed myself. It was the sushi I ate, it was the coffee, it was the hot dog I had a costco. I forgot to take my prenatal's some nights. The pain and guilt were almost unbearable.

It's been a little over four months now. The grief process has been hard. Some days it was hard to get out of bed, and then others I just felt numb. I can honestly say that the bad days are almost non existent now. Maybe one day, I will share how God's grace saved me, and got me to this time in my life. A time where I feel completely accepting and at peace with losing her. I can say now, that it was all part of His bigger plan. A plan that I could not see. He is so good. All the time, God is good.

I contemplated posting this. However, she was a part of our story and I want it documented. She will forever be a part of my heart, and be the little girl we wanted so bad, but never had.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Liam Turns 4!

Liam's 4th Superhero Party!

Baby Brother as The Hulk!

Captain America Fruit Shield (Thanks Pinterest)

Mommy friends-Katie, Felicia, and Tanya

Liam and Taylor Best Friend Forever! 

Grandpa came all the way from Colorado. His brothers came too! Uncle Mark and Uncle Carl!!

Noah, Daddy, and Nana

My has our little mommy group GROWN!!


Big Brothers birthday tuckered baby brother out!!

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Noah-Age 7 months

A baby will make love stronger
days shorter
nights longer
bankroll smaller
home happier
clothes shabbier
the past forgotten
and the future worth living for
-author unknown-

Noah is eating all fruits and veggies. He loves feeding himself. He has started eating mum mums, and the gerber vanilla stars. I've given him a bagel, broccoli, and banana to gnaw on with close supervision. It still makes me nervous so I don't do it often.
 He has eczema on his left cheek, and we are not sure what from. He takes 2 solid naps a day. Usually between 2-3 hours. FINALLY! He has always been a great sleeper at night, and still sleeps from 7-7 and wakes up once a night for a 6 ounce bottle. It's not every night, but usually 4 times a week.
 He stopped nursing 3 days ago, and I'm really missing it. He is always a perfect angel for me. Smiling, giggling out loud, and just a true joy. His daycare provider, my mom, and Matt say there are days when I'm at work and he will scream uncontrollably for me. This breaks my heart, because this never happens with me, so it must be a separation anxiety issue. The guilt from being away from him so much is sometimes to much to bear. It completely goes against nature. I'm his mother, I always know what he needs.
 He has 1 tooth that just popped up, and is working on the second. I buy all his clothes only a little big at 18-24 months. He is a big boy. At his seven month check up he was 24lbs. 95% for weight and only 50% for height. He is sitting up, and can "slither" on his belly across the living room floor. He is obsessed with his brother, and looks for him first thing when he wakes up. He laughs if Liam simply walks by. They have an incredible bond, and I pray daily that is continues to strengthen.

Noah does not sit and play without constant entertainment from us. He is quick to fuss if he's left alone too long. He loves going for walks, and nap time. We have a Saturday morning routine where we wake up and all head to the farmers market. He LOVES this time, and hardly makes a peep. He likes seeing all the action.

This boy makes life complete. He's so fun and easy that it makes me want just one more...

Thursday, July 3, 2014


Is it strange that at least once a day, I say out loud to the Lord "please don't take them"? Them, of course meaning my babies. Don't take them, don't take them, please don't ever take them from me. That "fear" creeps up on me at times when it shouldn't. For example, I will be writing a report at work, and an overwhelming fear just comes over me, and I have to say out loud to Him "please don't take them". It's the only thing that gets me through that moment. My eyes well up, and my throat tightens. A brief image of having to live without them. If I don't quickly pray out loud for their safety, my thoughts can spiral downward and get out of control.

I don't know how mothers do it. Live without their children. What a horrible hell. I guess you have no choice. The sun doesn't stop rising when they are gone. How cruel is that? To watch the sun rise everyday, even though they are not here. I sometimes think "what's wrong with me"? Why do I think this way? Do other moms feel this fear?

I think it's the overwhelming, all consuming, crazy love I have for them. I'm not judging, but only speaking for myself. Since I work full time, my moments of exhaustion and frustration that comes with having two children is few and far between. Don't get me wrong, this is the hardest job of my life, but I cherish it. When I get home, I'm tired, but can't wait to feel Liam's little body on my lap with his legs curled as he asks "mommy, will you rub my arm" and shoots his arm straight up in the air. He usually whispers something like "I missed you today mom" or "I love you mommy". Then, picking up my 20 lbs of squishy baby rolls. Oh, that skin. So soft, and so perfect. Noah smiles, and my world stops for a moment. Sweet perfection. There is nothing like looking at your baby, and knowing he is thinking "my mommy". It's fleeting. These are the best days of my life, when I'm working hard for them, covered in spit up, and snot. I'm very aware of this, and it scares me. I'm so blissfully in love with them, and my role as their mother, that the fear of not being able to continue this role forever, almost paralyzes me.

So, for now I will continue to say out loud "Please don't take them", and have faith that He won't. I will learn to live with the fear, and continue to embrace each moment with these two precious gifts.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Meeting Little Brother

There are no words that exist that could express the utter joy a mother feels when seeing her children bond. So, this is all I have...

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

All of Me

This song by John Legend was playing in the car while I was driving with Liam to the grocery store:

'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh

How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you're crying you're beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood
You're my downfall, you're my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you

My head's under water
But I'm breathing fine

The Conversation went as follows:
Liam: Is the guy singing sad mommy?
Me: No, sweetie. He's singing about someone he loves very much. It's a love song he wrote for someone very special.
(Liam listens intently to the words for a few seconds)
Liam: Oh, he must be singing about his mommy.

My heart melted, I will never be the same.