Thursday, July 3, 2014

Fear

Is it strange that at least once a day, I say out loud to the Lord "please don't take them"? Them, of course meaning my babies. Don't take them, don't take them, please don't ever take them from me. That "fear" creeps up on me at times when it shouldn't. For example, I will be writing a report at work, and an overwhelming fear just comes over me, and I have to say out loud to Him "please don't take them". It's the only thing that gets me through that moment. My eyes well up, and my throat tightens. A brief image of having to live without them. If I don't quickly pray out loud for their safety, my thoughts can spiral downward and get out of control.

I don't know how mothers do it. Live without their children. What a horrible hell. I guess you have no choice. The sun doesn't stop rising when they are gone. How cruel is that? To watch the sun rise everyday, even though they are not here. I sometimes think "what's wrong with me"? Why do I think this way? Do other moms feel this fear?

I think it's the overwhelming, all consuming, crazy love I have for them. I'm not judging, but only speaking for myself. Since I work full time, my moments of exhaustion and frustration that comes with having two children is few and far between. Don't get me wrong, this is the hardest job of my life, but I cherish it. When I get home, I'm tired, but can't wait to feel Liam's little body on my lap with his legs curled as he asks "mommy, will you rub my arm" and shoots his arm straight up in the air. He usually whispers something like "I missed you today mom" or "I love you mommy". Then, picking up my 20 lbs of squishy baby rolls. Oh, that skin. So soft, and so perfect. Noah smiles, and my world stops for a moment. Sweet perfection. There is nothing like looking at your baby, and knowing he is thinking "my mommy". It's fleeting. These are the best days of my life, when I'm working hard for them, covered in spit up, and snot. I'm very aware of this, and it scares me. I'm so blissfully in love with them, and my role as their mother, that the fear of not being able to continue this role forever, almost paralyzes me.

So, for now I will continue to say out loud "Please don't take them", and have faith that He won't. I will learn to live with the fear, and continue to embrace each moment with these two precious gifts.


2 comments:

  1. you aren't alone. and i pray that about my living children more times a day than i can count!

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    1. Thanks Heather! So glad to know I'm not alone! I hope all is well!

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